So yeah its been awhile since I've written anything, and its actually very hard for me to write anything tonight. It'll most likely be choppy and not thought out well, and well its now almost 2:00 and my mind tends to stop functioning correctly around now.
Anyway, I suppose I'll start with a question. Is life meant be enjoyable, or should one have to work tirelessly, make very little, and eventually make enough to retire? Stupid question but what it boils down to is this. I've been working like crazy and have literally been living off next to nothing for the last.. 5 months. I am happy with the work I'm doing (the art gallery), but it makes little money and demands lots of attention and stress. So to help ease the pressure of finances I took on another job, and the gallery slowed down. Way down. Now I'm presented with the facts.
1) The gallery isn't making any money
2) Student loans are coming due and money is falling short due to gallery bills
3) I won't be happy working most places
There are far more numbers but I won't dive into my personal life to much. For a while all I could think of doing was the next big break, what could i do to create a jolt to the income that is enough for this place to pay for itself. With the help of a few people who will remain nameless, mainly bc i can't remember who brought it up first, the following solutions were determined.
1) Don't Jolt the flow of income, steady the flow
2) Go non-profit, apply for grants, bring in interns
3) Make it about helping the community more than making money
The last part was the hardest. I felt, that was what I was doing, and perhaps that's how it started. But the more I thought about it the more it became clear that my reasons warped to making the bills rather than making the difference. Once my mind reached that slippery slope everything sorta just stopped. I didn't have the will to think of new ideas for events, classes, advertising, creating my own work, helping the community, and above all being happy.
So now what do I do? Interestingly enough i had encounter with myself and God. I know it seems odd to say that but if it wasn't God then i was an encounter with a much smarter and wiser me, naturally God came to mind first as i don't feel the later was possible. The debate went something like this.
SM = Smarter Me
(SM)- What do you think?
(me) - That's a dumb question.
(SM)- Seriously, what do you think?
(me) - I think I'm between a rock and a hard place, disappoint those that tried to support and help me or fail at life.
(SM) - Why fail at life?
(me) - Work to pay for a place the doesn't do anything except drain the bank account, just because I'm happy there? Seems sort of counter productive.
(SM) - What's wrong with being happy?
(me) - Its not about being happy as much as doing something. I could be happy not doing the gallery and just living and working, but i still wouldn't be doing anything, except I guess, just.... living.
(SM) - Whats wrong with just living?
(me) - Are you just going to ask questions out of sections of what i said before?
(SM) - Call me a devil's advocate, and yes.
(me) - Figures, jerk...
(SM) - (smiles)
(me) - Fine, just living... seems pointless. Why would i want to not do something worth while. A legacy, something to be remembered for, something to say i helped someone, I made a difference.
(SM) - Why do you think people need your help?
(me) - I guess I don't know... Do they?
(SM) - Probably seeing as though you feel so strongly that you have to help.
(me) - How do I help them then?
(SM) - I'm the one asking the questions remember. How do you help them?
(me) - Right now... just teaching small classes, providing opportunities, and giving advice.
(SM) - How does that make you feel?
(me) - Well, doctor, it makes me feel valuable for about an hour or two, worth something.
(SM) - How do they feel?
(me) - I don't know, but my classes aren't growing.
(SM) - That's beside the point, do they keep coming?
(me) - Well, yeah
(SM) - Obviously they are getting something out of it otherwise they wouldn't keep bringing you money right?
(me) - I guess, but why aren't the classes getting bigger?
(SM) - How much time do you put into getting the classes ready? How much time do you spend advertising for the classes?
(me) - ... classes are relatively easy to prepare, i mean its all there in my head, advertising I'm not real sure where to start.
(SM) - Maybe you should start.
(me) - where?
(SM) - Good question, maybe its time for you to do a little learning.
(me) - yeah...
This cross examination of self went on for a long time. It was the first dream that i felt was actualy in real time. In the end just by continually being bombarded by questions that i was then forced to answer brought many things to light. It was hellish almost becuase i was the lesser me and every question cuased anguish and confusion which later would become clear and calming. In the wrap up I ended staring at myself thinking what the next question would be, but one never came.
